More than a year has past since my dad passed away. Of course my study business able to take me away from the horrible feeling that I have every single day. Plus, friends and people around me that always makes me feel like I’m worthy. However, that horrible feeling still bugging me. Am I still in the grieving process? Why do I feel like I trapped inside a limbo? When will this grieving process will be gone? That horrible feeling just never escapes from my mind.
To people who know me, you probably never expected that I would write something like this. Indeed, because it seems I always look cheerful, full of jokes, and fun. However, most of them are lies. I’m just pretending to be alright.
The truth is: part of myself is not alright.
Death sucks. It is, even more, sucks when someone you love dies and you are far away.
I have heard stories from fellow travelers who lost their parents when they were traveling aboard. I was able to imagine how horrible if that would ever happen to myself. Then it happened and I feel it worse than my imagination. So how to describe the feeling?
I found a good one because I cannot describe it very well:
“Death hovers like a cold dark shroud and when people gather beneath it, together, they keep each other warm. When someone you love dies and you are far, far away, you are outside that warmth of corporate grief and shiver and wonder if you are in the right place.”
This article has mentioned about the nature of grief which I think it is true because I have experienced all of them:
- Seasonal: grief has a set of time (e.g. date of death, birthday, holiday times).
- Imperceptible yet influential: the loss and the grief will have influence and might change a person.
- Interminable: it will not go away entirely.
Funny things that I found out about my grieving process is: some people still treating myself like sh*t!
A person told me: “Hey, listen. Even if you were next to your dad when he passed, it won’t change the fact that he’s still passing. Are you even strong enough to see his face?”
I know that person has a point and tried to help me, but… why they asked me like I’m a coward?
Another person asked me a week later: “Hey, how are you feeling now? You’re dad passed away right? He’s your dad, but why you doesn’t look sad?”
Double-U-Tee-Efff? Are people really expecting myself crying in front of public? Or making a public stunt, let the whole world know that I am deeply sad. I still don’t understand.
Speaking of people who treating myself like sh*t in my grieving process, I’m not saying that I need special treatment. I’m able to take care of myself, but I really appreciate any kind of supports from people around me.
Thank you for reading.